The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
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