So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
