Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The beer is more important than you right now.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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