I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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