dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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