but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
