saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
