He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
