I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
