btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
