Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
