do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
