? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
