I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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