i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
