So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
