My boss' voice literally gives me gas
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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