Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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