She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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