Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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