When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I need moral support for this bender
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
