Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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