I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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