okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
