so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
