Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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