So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
