I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
