can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
