Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
