If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The adults are the big ones right?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
