I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
