please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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