i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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