Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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