Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
