I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
