I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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