If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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