there's paper in my vomit.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
