my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
