I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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