I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
