She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
