Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
