Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
