i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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