Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
