i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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