i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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