i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
