everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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