So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
