if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Randomize