I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
