I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.