Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the condom got lost in my hair
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
All I want is dick and wine.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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