I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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