Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
