i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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