Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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