Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
there is glitter all over my balls
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